Tommy Spaulding on It’s Not Just Who You Know

As a part of the Love IDEAS Summit hosted by IDA, author and speaker, Tommy Spaulding shares his insights on the importance of building authentic, genuine relationships. Tommy, a two-time New York Times bestselling author, believes that true success and happiness come not from grades, GPAs, or fancy degrees, but from how you love and serve people.

Tommy’s own journey is a testament to this philosophy. Growing up, he faced the invisible disability of dyslexia. He really struggled academically in high school and graduated towards the bottom of his class with a 2.0 GPA. He watched his friends go on to prestigious universities, but there wasn’t a school that wanted to accept him because of his disability, low GPA, and low SAT score. His guidance counselor even suggested he attend a trade school, believing college wasn’t for him. However, a month before graduation, he was introduced to Up with People, an international leadership and musical organization that changed his life. He joined the organization and spent nine years traveling to 84 countries, living with over a thousand host families. This experience taught him that what truly matters is how you love and serve people, not your academic achievements.

The 37 Rejection Letters and the Bartender

Despite his global travels and eventually becoming the CEO of Up with People at age 35, Tommy still harbored a childhood dream of going to law school. He was always ashamed of his invisible disabilities, including his dyslexia, learning disability, ADHD, and OCD, and never shared his story because he did not want people to think he wasn’t smart. After graduating from East Carolina University with a 2.0 GPA, having struggled with his invisible disabilities all the way through, he applied to the 37 “easiest” law schools in North America and was rejected by every single one. Feeling depressed, he took a trip to Bali, Indonesia, where a chance encounter on a dive boat introduced him to a woman from Atlanta who was involved with Rotary International. She told him about the Rotary International Ambassadorial Scholarship, a prestigious award that offered an automatic acceptance to any business school for the winner.

Tommy spent a week filling out the application, which required a 4.0 GPA. On the application, he put a 4.0 with an asterisk, explaining in small handwriting that his high school and college GPAs combined to a 4.0. A few weeks later, he was one of the 10 final candidates chosen from 800 applicants. During his interview, the Rotary committee expressed their disapproval of his “two plus two is four” humor regarding his GPA. But Tommy stood his ground, stating that he should be judged on his ability to love and serve people, not his grades. The final vote was a dead tie between Tommy and a Harvard graduate. The tie was broken when the committee chairman asked the bartender, who had been listening all day, who he thought should win. The bartender, whom Tommy had spent over three hours genuinely getting to know, chose him, making Tommy the deciding vote and the winner of the $50,000 scholarship.

The Five Floors of Relationships

Tommy’s experience with the bartender taught him a powerful lesson: relationships matter, and building genuine, authentic relationships matters even more. He emphasizes that people often “qualify who we want to be nice to” and spend their time building relationships with people who can help them or have influence. However, he learned that you never know who will bless you, and the bartender, a person most would overlook, was the one who changed the course of his life.

This is the core message of his book, where he outlines the “Five Floors of Relationships”. Every relationship, whether personal or professional, falls into one of these categories:

• Floor 1: Transactional Relationships – These are the brief, polite exchanges we have with people like baristas or mail carriers, where “How are you?” is not a genuine question.
• Floor 2: NSW Relationships – NSW stands for News, Sports, Weather. This is small talk, which can be useful when first meeting someone, but many people, including leaders, never move past this level with their employees or clients.
• Floor 3: Vulnerability – This is where you begin to share your story and open up. Vulnerability is contagious and creates a safe space for others to be vulnerable as well.
• Floor 4: Listening to Serve – At this level, you are no longer trying to “win” someone’s business, but rather to listen to their story and learn how you can help them. Tommy contrasts this with “networking,” which he calls a selfish act focused on what others can do for you, and instead advocates for “net-giving,” which is about helping others.
• Floor 5: Servant Relationships – This is the highest level, where you are truly a servant leader and live by the philosophy, “It’s not about you”. At this level, you want nothing from the other person; you simply want to love and serve them.

The Leadership Philosophy of the Heart

Tommy argues that there are two types of leaders in the world: servant leaders, who serve others before themselves, and self-serving leaders, who serve themselves first. He believes that approximately 90% of the world falls into the self-serving category, while only about 10% are what he calls “heart-led leaders”. These heart-led leaders build authentic, genuine relationships and live a life of serving others.

To assess your own relationships, Tommy suggests a simple exercise: write down the names of the 10 most important people in your professional or personal life and ask yourself what level of relationship you have with each of them, from Floor 1 to Floor 5. He challenges organizations to prioritize a “Return on Relationships” (ROR) over a “Return on Investment” (ROI), as building a culture of authentic relationships will ultimately increase ROI.

Tommy ends by posing a profound question: “What is your leadership philosophy?”. He believes that a servant-leadership philosophy, focused on taking relationships to the third, fourth, and fifth levels and serving others, will lead to a more prosperous business and a more incredible life.

Check out Tommy Spaulding’s Books

• It’s Not Just Who You Know: Transform Your Life (and Your Organization) by Turning Colleagues and Contacts into Lasting, Genuine Relationships: A book that shows you how to turn transactional relationships into meaningful, authentic connections.
• The Heart-Led Leader: How Living and Leading from the Heart Will Change Your Organization and Your Life: This book explores the idea that servant leaders, or “heart-led leaders,” can make a profound impact on their organizations and their own lives by prioritizing the well-being and growth of others.
• The Gift of Influence: Creating Life-Changing and Lasting Impact in Your Everyday Interactions: This book provides an empowering guide on how to be mindful and effective in using the influence we all have to create a positive and lasting impact on those around us.